Monthly Archives: February 2011

My soul tired from running.
My heart soured by evil and hatred.
My eyes burning from lack of life and uncryed tears. My emotions drowning within a pool of sorrow adding a level with each year. Here i sit overlooking my pains and suffering which still engulfs around me. Making me unhappy each year passing. My spirit being mauled to death. I lay lifeless and numb in each passing day. Thinking and dieing inside as i watch nothing move my way in time. I have low to minimal life left now as my inside begins to die with the pain. Spiritual death or depression as said. Slow, aganizing and painful all through. My heart crying with every waking hour. Slowly claiming my spirit who is on verge of loosing hope and giving up.

They say lying gets you nowhere

Honesty is the best way

how can this be when truths are told and only lead to hurt and despair

so how does honesty work yet never

this answer I would love to learn

I want not to be hurt as I want not to hurt anyone like him or anyone else as well

Though each time I am honest in any issue with anyone

 this is exactly what it seems to go thru and exactly all I see

So how does one follow thru with what things she feels are right if they always seem so wrong with them

I am crying inside and dying in heart of life my feelings and honesty are not things I can hide

I nolonger even have tears to cry or emotions to follow inside myself

I have begun to quietly shut down and hide

Why must I feel like everyone hates me or is working against me

why does my brain think this is okay

why does my heart talk to me and make me feel this way

why does depression take hold so well, never rarely letting go

why does it screw me up so wild the way it does so

making me feel so empty and attacked like they are all coming in to feast that last bite

why do I push them away so bad trying to keep them and hold them tight

why do I feel they hate me so

is it me

do I do it when I feel it too

I don’t want or like feeling this way

I don’t want the emptiness that only I can see

I don’t want the hatred I feel portrayed

I don’t want the anger of the pain i feel

I want to trust better and better draw near

I don’t want to shun or push away in fear

is it me

is it me

Oh God with thee I plead

help me draw nearer to thee

help me

help me to save what life I have left

help me to save that which was saved

help me save me like you had before by giving me eternity

help me save me so I can be me

Oh wait…. I am me so that just won’t do

help me save me and better me being like the way that you formed me to

help me

 help me

is it me

would life be better if I left people alone

would they really understand if I just vanished and disapeared

would they care

Help me close this path of depression  and my post traumatic stress I percieve

rid of it from me and heal me inside

it’s engulphing me and my life and I am running out of places to hide

This is not really what I want anyway

so why do I spend much of my time here within

help me to heal and be happy again

Help me be me like you who I see

help me be the me they are looking to see

help me to live in equility not die within my life where no one really sees the real me

sigh

this is the me I know but I want the real me like they do too

help me please

 help me now

is it me

is it me

this answer I can not see

Is it of me that he speaketh

I want to know what he sees

why do they always hide what they really know and see not sharing it with thee

Why can’t i know and see what others see in me

why can i never know the truth people see

i only know what i hear and have shared

but there is more to the picture of inner truths which is of that i have not been told

If I were dying would someone share it with me

I don’t trust so as there is so much more hidden I have seen already

If I were dying would anyone but he really care

Not too sure but again I don’t think they’d even notice if I just walked out that silent door

Who’d care

would they you sure

lets not find out … please

don’t go there once more

your running and hiding just like you talk not

how can you say when your not facing up to your own very fear

What door haven’t I opened

help me look there then

I don’t know how or i’d do it again to keep practicing then

guide me

show me

help me understand

give me a focus point and help me live again

help me see what you see

from within your eyes

there are thing that are hidden that I would like to bind as my own also

Show me

show me again

help me to define

define this focus of the underline that was to be left to hide

help me to focus better seeing full scale

all that you see…

help me save me love

help me save me

Although I have never looked death in the full face as others I know have. I have been thinking of what about that time that something were to have happened to me. When I was suppose to die. Would I be like some now who are not ready or too afraid and they faked death to be able to live with their loved ones not ready to leave. probably. However no one is to know for sure what will happen that day. Though what if you were to die and then your spirit got lost in the transition between life and death and didn’t want to face the light doing what many spirits could and jumping into another open body to stay alive. I think about that. Could you imagine the stress. Knowing the life you lived but remembering another ones memories and living as another. I wonder if this really happens. Some can call it amnesia, Is this always amnesia though? I wouldn’t see it as amnesia if you choose to live as yourself but someone else. However what if it really wasn’t your full choice. What if your spirit decided and you had not fully consented to it and were trying to live as yourself but things weren’t making sense, Oh I dunno just some random thoughts.

I lye awake in bed at night.

Watching stars fly in the sky.

Not knowing what tomorrow holds.

wishing you were here tonight.

I lye awake in bed at night

watchings stars fly thru the night

dreaming dreams I wish could be

not knowing what tomorrow brings

I lye awake in bed at night

loosing sleep I need to gain

hoping I see something new,

 for the things in life I can not see.

I lye awake in bed at night.

Watching stars fly in the sky.

Not knowing what tomorrow holds.

wishing you were here tonight

wishing you were by my side

I lay here in the dark crying inside thinking of him.

for eventhough we are always close there never seems to be the time.

we are always ending like two ships into passing seas.

with all schedules rambled they rarely ever meet in sync.

I lay here crying inside wanting things back as they used to be.

Mising him so and wanting him near to me.

Where the two of us met  eye to eye with not enough time in a day, but all the time in the world for nothing else but us.

Liife now is different I see.

It all feels like a dream slowly becoming a fantasy and moving out of reality.

Late at night is when I miss him worst.

When my world around me begins to slow down.

Why must our times cross at the paths.

Why can’t life just be in bliss.

Sigh, guess it back to bed now lonely again I see.

I lay here at night missing him bad.

Lying my head upon my pillow and hands.

Wishing that I could cry on his shoulder at times.

rarly ever seeing day in a light with us.

Oh how I miss you so my love.

I go back to sleep now to dream again of you.

goodnight my love.

For every tear drop that falls.

For every whistle that blows.

 For every reason with no reasoning.

 There is a wave in the ocean that crashes down.

 For every star in the sky.

For every hour lost.

For every baby that’s born.

 There is a prayer sent up to heaven.

Raindrops fall down.

 Flower petels drop to the ground.

 Snowflakes cover the paths that have been lost many years before.

Travelers looking to find their way.

This is what life is like today.

Pain and sorrow.

Always something new going on tomorrow.

 Life is never fair, and it’s rarely ever there.

Life is Life.

That’s how the marbles roll.

They say life will become better you’ll see.

They say things will come together making a brighter new day.

I’ve seen many things, though for myself I am sure.

What looks dull today.

Though may be harder to accept.

 Will bring life brighter tomorrow in time to come.

I still find way to believe.

You ask me how.

 Yet I don’t know.

Just continue somehow to follow faith in Jesus.

 With better hopes for tommorrow.

For every babies cry.

 For every cats meow. 

For every sound upon the earth there is silence that soon follows behind as well.

For every dark stary night.

 For every sun filled light.

For  everything on earth there is a God.

God created the universe and all around as well.

Nothing so big, nothing so small.

 Our God created all.

Life is Life.

At age of thirty three a women should be happy and free. She shoulod have a life all her own not relying on the ones at home. She should be out on her own doing what it is that makes her happiness shine the best. Enjoying her life and settled down in a nice safe place. Not homeless or stuck in transitions of life. Not a mother without a man in her life. Life is not fair at times you see, but this is true I am thirty-three and a mother of three unexpectadly. However I have accepted this. I still wish that life was more happier and pretty. I am raising my three girls alone not the way it should be, however right now in life that is how it will be. I wish for the day that marriage will approach me, and await the day that I will be a happy family. My love comes from inside and shines out as best can for the kids in my life. Yet behide the closed doors I hide and cry out inside. Life is complicated right now with a kinda dead beat father of three, and with a guy who truly loves me and would do anything for me I see. My life is like a rollercoaster yet, for none around to help me to stand high and stay ahead. Calling me psyco and drama instead. I hide within myself to cover my face. With a father of the three denying one and all. Yet I knowing the truth behind them all. Another man outstepping his very own limits would walk every path just to accept all of us as his own and would love to give us a home. Although in my heart my soul is deep and and sad. Crying out loud is what I know best and right now my inner soul needs a rest. Your heart and soul knowing how you love him but life making you feel like you are drowning instead. To suffer like this I bare to noone. I pray that you will not be stuck in this path ever in any day. My love goes deep but mind washes it all away. Then gems like stars shimmer n shine in the way when I see this guys beauty inside. For now it just the three girls and myself, putting life up high on the shelf to look at and see right now and approach life from a new slate for today. I wish sometimes it were just me looking into a picture i had, that I would not see all the evil and bad that we had. I could shut the door and walk on ahead but from here life right now does not look good out this door.

Eyelids flutter within the thoughts of the night. Shadows crawl across the wall. Evil lurks around the senses of me. I run in anguish and fear. Completely tired and wornout i turn to you in trust of help. Eyes fluttering and closing fast. This night around me will not last. Awaiting the time till my life has faith. When things look up and filled with life. Gotta keep my eyes open and not face the dark. The days ahead i have to hold up my head and stay free of blackness around me. Seeing the skin in thin thin layers. Heavy numb feeling engulfing my entire entity. Another sleepless night in the midst of my lifeless energy and very own being. Things gotta change or lifelessness will become my last path i know. Tears falling from the fluttering eyes. Which can not even see another good in sight.