I can not hide the tears that stray.
They fall so much when you are away.
I close my eyes and think of memories and imagine good times trying to push all the feelings away.
Yet the harder I try the more these eyes of mine cry.
I sit alone trying to be there for our daughter and her blood disease but even that I can not do.
Scared half to death feeling all alone I do not know what to answer to her dealing with this stuff on our own.
I know nothing of what I am up against, and the information I gain from google and the net is over our heads and makes no sense. I am out of my wit with this one single hand. Scared half to death this is the life I was given.
Monthly Archives: December 2011
I can not hide the tears that stray.
While I look into your eyes.
I see the Hurt.
I see the pain.
I see the love.
I see the shame.
I see you.
I see you happy, I see you blue.
I see the love that you hold so near, and so dear.
I see you truly for you, for who you are. I see you beautiful.
I see you nothing less and nothing more.
I see you for you.
Tethered and worn, left to rot upon this life
Each wing with many a scar
Each feather broken and brittle amongst the wears it has to show
Her life trying to be all she can to show others how to believe
Her heart breaking in every situation that he has within her grasp to hold onto in faith and fate
Each wing wounded and broken in shambles of dismay, heartache and shame.
A wounded angel is what she has become
Still remaining true to heart by her self regard. While in her mind she has broken inside and questions just how is good still inside with all that she has done and still can do. How valuable is it all with so much heartache, shame, and pain within tearing her apart at the seams. really just who could she really be with everything gone within all she had that remained. Who could she be but a wounded angel left in pain and dismay ahead.
You can try and try to tear me down Satan but I will not let you as I will stay held high and strong and believe. I will not let you break this wall that I have built high up around me. You think informing me that my one daughter has a blood disease and that my other daughter has a vitamin D deficiency will kill me you are wrong. Yea so it is scary, but guess what!! So is and was becoming homeless and left to relive all I ever lived once that was ripped from beneath my grip and from under my feet beneath me. I don’t need this on top of all other stuff out of organization in my life. But you ain’t gonna pull me down. You can be on the outside looking in trying to get your way and win. But I have my strength, faith, and love of those around me and by my side who stand in the midst of it all from every height and ground looking in every direction looking around from inside and out to see what help thy may find to keep my head on straight.
So you can pull and shove on by me bringing more for me to carry, but you ain’t gonna pull me down and get me at your level. No sir no sir. You ain’t gonna pull me down. I as any human will worry and fear indeed, indeed but you won’t pull me down to your low height of you. So as I see it you can just keep looking in from the outside peering in. I will not hold my head low just for you to find your prides. I shall hold my head high and just reply, God is good and he will give what is meant for this child of mine, and all in all will be okay. I shall not thread in what is wrong in the health of these two young ones. We will be okay. There has been much worse with others before. This is nothing new and nothing more. This is where I was meant to stand. This is where I belong. All will be okay once I come to the end.
One shot fired that rang my ears.
One tear dropped that rolled across her face.
Feeling the burning pain from within her heart
Fear filling her as she heads out the door
not knowing just what she will find or see out in that cold dark night
Police responding just before she got a chance to hit that green button and send
Realizing as she came to the corner
that the burning pain was right
Seeing everyone swarm to her front door
your heart throbbing beneath her skin
dead silance of fear within the air
everyone wants to know
With no one wittness to what conspired
withnin that cold hour
No reasons, or leads to put together
A family brought closer together
a house destroyed and left in rubble
just before the christmas eve
door windows shattered
left laying upon the sidewalk
A mother left to sit and stare in silence disrespect, and dispair
Blaming her teenage children for what she has seen
for the shattered glass and threatened lives
and the house that has become destroyed before their eyes and alone
while she was off drinking while all was going down
A life that she had never expected to see
a life where she had already lost her husband fourteen years back
Spending her own life depressed and shut away
using her hours of free time to drink in a local bar every hour that she may have
Two children lost at fifteen and sixteen
trying to survive while mom just waists away
two children scared of whom to trust and who to believe
Sixteen shots were sound that day
all lives cherished and wrapped in God’s protecting hands
A family drawn together as they never could become before
while questions still claim there own minds more
A daughter left scared and staying away from home
at a true friends house where she feels compfort and a safe return
not knowing who will be there threatening her or her family again
or when if it happens again
not wanting to go out alone one her own anymore
as she knows not what lays on the other side
Police in questionable reaction
with no one seeing, hearing, or having any sense of motive or lead
for such a violent crime or reason for such a cruel intent indeed
Everyone thanking God that everyone remains all right
thanking God for keeping everyone inside the house all safe
thanking God that nothing was anyworse out
while still aleart and observing all around
in hope to learn some answers of who or why this all went down.
The shooting of a friends home just before the holiday’s came
a sad thing indeed that this happens true
however better the way it went, than how it could have ended instead
cold and sad amongst the holiday’s
That would be much more sorrowful
than what was left here
thanking God that no one was hurt or killed
Sixteeen shots rang out within the deep, dark night
Dolphins swim within the seas of light as they sparkle in the nights
Observing beneath the sea of life they swim along the sands beneath
Being my favorite animals of each living thing because they watch and observe protecting all kinds
Even amongst all beings they even will turn and save a life not that even of their own
Dolphins take your back and stand up to the strongest of the strong killing sharks at one simple blow
I love dolphins very much because they make me feel protected and safe as if they are my friend I also like other kinds of animals but dolphins are the best
Living in the deep abyss using their sonar to track us all
I lay upon my bed at rest to hear my little ones sleep so sound
Not one light on as I lay in silent sumber awaiting my tired restful eyes and my sweet peaceful snooze
Not one soul lying next to me or upon my breast and bussom searching my thoughts and the dark of the room I begin to think as I try to sleep
Tossing and turning and aggravated with each slight sound
My prayers i begin to raise
Asking for a calming soul refreshed in thought and mind that protection of the guardians surround each corner of my bed
To give me a peaceful rest tonight and refresh me for the day to come ease my mind and thoughts and eagerly restless soul releasing my inner spirit to become free of each bitter negative being inside
Protection of my spirit,mind and body with all bitterness of this life walk and journey is what I need to sleep tonight as all emotions have left me and made a hollow pit within me creeping in fear to form inside. Protection of four contents of my bed is what I seek, a request from within a gently withered mind of fearful, deep, dark thoughts of my life I see around me here.
My heart to yours
I’ve been sitting in solitude and silence these days focusing hard on my life with myself and my three kids while trying to change what has been given to me as my future,my journey, my focus trying not to live in the depression that keeps pulling at me as things in life get uncontrolled and overwhelming with life things that can not be changed. Jaimie my three year old is doing well since she had her staples removed from her head not long ago the past fire weeks. As for Sarah and her ear, nose and throat issues they have gotten better but they are now testing her on belief that she my be dealing with a blood disease. To throw that into the flow of my upside down life right now has kinda flipped me upside down right now. I have kinda secluded myself from all those within my daily life flow I know. For that I am sorry. I just need myself to stay focused along my journey right now as I keep falling in my emotions of overwhelming emotions right now. Thinking what I would do if she learns her blood number is right and that she is battling what they believe is right, I know all will be alright it’s just I don’t know what to do to help Sarah and be there for her when she has questions or if things were to happen and it’s truly scaring me to no end. How will I be a mother of a child with a blood disease? I know nothing about blood or what things it ll is telling me, it is like speaking german when I was born and taught english. I am trying to research this as much as I can but it all is just not making séance to me. It is like I am reliving algebra and once again flunking it. Just gotta keep reminding myself it will be okay. In the end I find my heart going out to yours, my child who I have to worry about as I now await to hear if this number remains and that your blood is not working as it should and is gonna be a daily beginning for treatment and medications for you. With a table key of 38 to 62 or whatever it was and your number being 38 just at the borderline it’s still a higher risk chance of that you have this disease and I have to become more careful of you not getting injured ad change my life when my life is upside down already With living and health already alone. Now to add this as well with already no time in my day. I just don’t see how I can comprehend being a mother of a child of a blood disease and no extra time to turn around and give. All I can do is give and send out my heart to yours. Knowing behind all negatives somehow we will pull on thru.
To breastfeeding mothers…. I just heard on the radio they have a shortage of mothers milk in the milk banks that there is not enough milk for infants who need mothers milk from a milk bank that not enough mothers are banking their milk and babies who have lost their mother or had to use milk banks after surgery or serious issues to feed there isn’t enough milk out there for them do to the fact that not enough moms are banking.
I just heard on the radio that a new study showed that we can lower our risk of developing cancer by decreasing the amount of time that we spend sitting. That aperantly the more time we spend being lazy and sitting increases our risk of developing any type of cancer. So if we do not sit so much it will decrease those chances of developing different types of cancers. Somehow it has to do with the way the proteins develop in our bodies changing the genes or something and creating these negative cancer cells or something. I defenatly will be researching into this more cause I don’t remember just exactly how the radio explained into the process.