Monthly Archives: April 2011

Could I just hit delete? I don’t live a life that is hoping for me. Why can’t I just sit down and restart by hitting delete. Plant a new seed and be given a new life that would work for me. Please just hit delete for me. In this life I am not happy. Could I just hit delete?

I am not good enough in your eyes unless I were a guy or one of your sons. Sorry dad I was created a women not a man and that is something that I will never be. You could offer me tons of money for me to be one however I am just the way my true father in heaven created me and I am accepted by I just wish my real earthly father would accept me and love me as well. Though that I believe I will never see. I wish that I could understand why you hate me? You always have to talk lies on me and talk bad on me. My father in heaven who loves me and accepts me just as me. He would never talk lies on me or talk shit…..but ever since I was born you have never loved me right. He has since before I was born.  You have turned nothing but to your evil side since mom died I hope that your heart comes true again. For only then may you really ever see mom again. Mom would not like who you have become….I don’t like this road I now travel on. Help what if you die….what is left of me….but you won’t help me get help or help me get protected in agencies like she would’ve with me. Instead I am just forgotten and left for shame to all who are in your fame. Been pushed as a shunned of our family name is how you have made me. Only being my cart and taxi and not being a grandfather or father doing things with us as family’s would’ve in reality. Only caring about those who mean something to you or show vision you can see….not failures, females and  handicaps like me. That is all I am…a hindrance to you. A put down. A failure and a shamed burden on you. Well I am sorry that that OS what God chose for you. Though I am not sorry that this is how he made me. For as a women and a survivor this is who he made and everyday I grow stronger with each steps that I take. I just wish that you saw more meaning to me and had hope and believed. I can not force and make you see what things he wants to revel to you. Though I can stay strong and hope that soon in time what it is he wants you to see you will. Things were much easier with mom around. But I have never stressed on giving up hope. Instead I have prayed that only one day you will again see and follow his light.

Why do you always have to talk shit about me?  A father of his family does not talk shit about his family. Why do you hate me so Damn much. Things would be easier if you got up earlier so they stayed on schedule instead of talking bad to your gf and everyone else in your life turning me bad to them. We get up at 8 to 10 every day watch cartoons then with about a 45 min nap then back up at around 12 that is when you are just getting up for your day. If I could drive I could do it all on my own….but I am medically not able to do that. So instead we are gonna talk shit about me. Some father. Since mom died your evil has shown brighter and I have none and nothing left. Why couldn’t it have been you? Maybe I? But that would be asking too much…

With tears in my eyes I weld up and cry
Sitting up against the wall trying to hide from it all with be.
I always feel like everything is coming down around me
Where am I to go next I Sino.
With so many tears within and no way for them to run out
Not one soul helping me come thru the door I am now ready to cry. Feeling as if everyone has been coming out hard on me
tonight despite what I know within myself and my heart as true
They don’t live this life I do
Why do they think that they have rights to my life for today…
It is not their life but mine and all they enjoy doing is putting me down and making me cry
Why can’t they raise me up high lifting me up
Why must they always take hold of me and bring me down
I feel as if there is no one left in life not even in that of my very own family
I feel as if they are always tearing me down and talking bad about me but I can’t stand up to them and say you have something to say….tell me….
That was where all my long talks about my feelings came in with mom, but now that is gone with the wind just as she is with her favorite song
I can’t turn to my husband cause I have yet to be married in life
While I am slim on a friend even just to try to put hope in what we believe is right mom died and no I feel like they I was never wanted anymore as if I were nothing but an outcast inside. With everyone but myself inside as if my very own family were just pushing me aside

When life feels as if it has gotten too steep that we can not go on

We feel that we can climb on but not as high as the steep land terrane

When we feel like the weight of the earth is sitting upon our shoulders that we do not have anymore strength to carry anymore in life

when we feel as we are coming to our peak but then we stumble and fall and have no more energy or effort to stand again

these are the days that we just want to sit down forgetting our life and end up sitting down to cry

lifting out our hands to ask for help and reach to the heavens above

feeling like we can not go on

you release our stress of life making our burdens not so tight

you have lightened the weight till we regain what is manageable to our eyes

feeling a bit uplifted and rejuvenated and alive

you strengthen me and pull me back up

you give me the hope to continue on where I did not want to follow thru

you help pull me thru where I did not feel to be

you helped me to have the force to make the climb higher on where I felt that it was too steep

you picked me up from my stumbling feet giving me new shoes for me to have a firmer stand

you gave me a new spark in life that lead me on the path instead of walking away and giving up

Together now we have traveled this hard bumpy road never knowing the next wind or turn

keeping strong together is where we travel our best

following the road with a positive hope

looking forward to where it will lead and end

as we strive to make a forward leap of faith

continuing to make the climb back up in life

hand in hand knowing that we are secure

not looking for an easy replace

knowing that the sun will shine a brighter light tomorrow

that there is hope in a brand new day

I have been given a heart of light to try to help brighten people’s lives

you meeting me was no mistake

you just did as others would have and saw my light and followed to its brightest shine to see where it would lead

where others gave in to the darkness once again and turned away

you have remained and held on tight within my lighted paths

I will continue shining my heart of light upon your way

even through the days that you may walk away and refuse my light

keeping you within my own light to continually protect you as an angel friend would.

I have been given a heart of light to share with others if they would accept

a heart so pure full of gold shimmering light shining upon the path at your feet

my heart of light

you chose  your path I only helped you travel along its way

it wasn’t much

just some purity and love

mixed with a special ingredient creating a heart of light

 I have been given a heart of light

to shine on earth throughout the nights

helping others in desprate needs

facing mental, spiritual and physical difficulties

to be a friend and a lending hand

or even just a listening ear

by God’s great design I have been given a heart of light

In tears this I do believe

In tears I listen and receive

In tears I am…

In tears I release to help me in someway set free

I hear these words that you say to me

In tears I am…

I know these words that you say so true are words from the heart of your heart too

I feel the vibe from within as I sit back and quietly receive and listen

with no response right now to share

I have to just hold to your words to feel a bit more near

In tears I am…

feeling like a sinking ship sailing in the rough waters I sail

In search of an open pathway for me to break me out of the twisted tides of this open sea

every breaking opening I see I think may guide me out to you I take a glance to get me there and lose my way somehow again

In tears I am… loosing sight of the light I had

paths changing as I search for the way

In tears I am…

I can not meet the way

confusion setting in and depression has taken way

 questions unasked in fear of answers and truths

hopes hindered in the lost way

love still hanging on with no real understandings of reasonings

In tears I seek all things that I believe and I know

In tears I still search with hope of us being

in tears I hold tight to these dreams

sometimes with short a flame

but still burning strong, wild and free

In tears I want us to be free for life

but there are so many things trying to block us of the sights

In tears I sit and think day and night keeping lit my growing light

In tears is where I remain most recent in life

in tears is where I am…

  in tears is where I am

In tears yet still believing in a hope and love for tomorrow

I will stay here until then

then when you may see the light within my view

I shall go nowhere and not lose sight

In tears I will remain until time that we see the same

In tears I am…

Once and only then…

Knowing in my entirety that I have your heart is not my worry in time

Once and only then…

I want one’s whole self and not just one’s heart

I want you here

I want to feel your touch

Once and only then… I want to feel…

I want to embrace you in love like that of a giant teddy bear

I want to feel your arms around my sides holding me tight

without you I am nothing inside

Once and only then…

I want to feel secure in knowing that this is not just a fantasy in life or just a dream

I know inside our love is real

but I still yearn and do not have the grasp on it

I know it is real

but it is not here

love so true would not go on so long

but love so real should be together everyday

we have not even seen even one day

my heart is crying for you as my soul is still burning just one single flame

Once I have your entire self and not just one’s heart

that is when my soul may then lye in rest

Once and only then will I settle within my mind

Once and only then will I settle and find a peace and relief

once and only then will our true love fully begin

Once and only then… once and only then will my life finally truly begin

once and only then…

I stay awake at night after the kids go to bed just to be able to vent and say once throughout the day that I love you
Others may say i dont care who you are your not taking away from my sleep time and maybe that’s so but not for me I just want to express my true self to you as I feel You ask but why when you need sleep…just because I love you and I want to say I love you as I want just because I love you