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What are the things that he sees in me

this a question that has stumped many for many a year

what are the things he sees in me

are you certain it’s me that he sees these things he sees

I am not much

but

I am what I am

my life not so thrilling yet reveals many a thrill

what things does he see in me

why does he see what he sees

I am not all that exciting am I really

No

Well at least not to me

so what are these things he sees in me

I can’t find good in my life I have seen

he doesn’t know my life like what I see

so what does he see in me

what if  really am not as he thinks

what if I disapoint him when he learns of the things I have seen

he expects what it is he sees in me and thinks of me

but what when it is something new and in reality

what are the things he sees in me

I am not that special to have such a high perch

or am I and I just don’t really know who I am in life each day

I want to have faith

I want to believe

but I honestly do not see what he sees in me

why I am I so different and special and the chosen

I know I mutter this every so often

but my heart is worn and trust is slimmed

making my self esteem a bit of a wham

okay okay

alot of a wham

self evalution is not my degree

for sure it’s not

 or else why would I sit here asking what does he see in me

why does he see what he sees in me

what are the things he sees in me

each day she lived she was always there

 then I awake no expectations at hand but looking for her and in just that split second overnight as if it were already planned there she went without a word or a thought to yet come

one time she was there and then she was gone

will they let her die or let her story live on

it happens so fast it feels it can not be real

but as much as you try you take one more peek into that mirror and know than that it is

for you know of that very mirror you have known all too well that it itself is real and can not hide that fact as much as you wish you could at will

one minute she was here and in an instant overnight she was gone in just a second not even more

So you put yourself at ease knowing she is well

 pulling yourself up straight and square to the floor

taking one deep breath to face what is next

laying her to rest putting you at ease

this time is your last and final goodbye so make it your best as ever before

for once you awake in the morning light

her spirit will have been released into it’s very own light

together in two different ways you two move on

saying that final goodbye knowing that you will see each other still again in time

but for now she is here today but gone in an instant just over night dawn to daybreak of tomorrow’s light

I once wrote well of this sweet angel I knew

with hair so soft and smooth like it was wicked just right

she always wore a smile and filled your life with delight

bringing joy upon each step you’d take

she was the glow to brighten your pathway or road

I still know this angel I see

although life is not really the same these days

much of her glows  have begun to fade away

her feathers are malting sadly also

no one’s life is easy you easy

but an angel’s life should be carefree and happy

she used to smile all the time brightening each’s face as they crossed ways

though now she has weights of so many that even so it is tearing the angel herself down as well

herself still so joyous and bubbly as ever

though her life weighing her down and tearing at her age

filling her eyes and minds in overwhelming wear

her beauty still shining through amongst all the feathers from her widespread wings

just not as prominent which once was before

her hands still reaching out to all at her tips

but toppling her is enemy’s worst hold now

I sit back and cry as the tears fill my eyes

seeing in disbelief this angel i once knew

wishing i could be a majestic as her and give her the hand she’s given me a time and time again

having the power and will to fill each void

filling me with grace and relief

although I am not as majestic as she

and I can not bring the secure extra wing as she herself has time and again

My heart droops like a weeping willow as I watch in somber this fading wonder

Knowing of her from once before to who I know now as I watch her once more

tears my life away in shattered shreds as she carries weights never meant for her

 growing heavy laden and fatigued worn down as ever was before

 her glow slowly fading away melting into the waters and snows

this worn angel was not the angel I once saw and knew

now my words of this angel are seldom too few

as it hurts me more tan ever to recall the stories and paths she has traveled

 for all the many she has known leading her to this slow trialing trail I see now

she has done so many good things with good people as well

but life slowly hands her the jackpot of a bad deal and has slowly been eating her away

how much longer will this angel presumably stay

 I don’t ask or hope for much

however I will today

for this angel I know still has a spark of spirit I see

so today my request I make shall be

renew her light within her as you have within me and help her shine as ever bright as many times before did she and let her be still carefree and happy glowing everywhere and anywhere as ever she would and could before

empty the weights she has weighing on her and leave her free of all trials tied to her hold releasing her free once more

Could I just hit delete? I don’t live a life that is hoping for me. Why can’t I just sit down and restart by hitting delete. Plant a new seed and be given a new life that would work for me. Please just hit delete for me. In this life I am not happy. Could I just hit delete?

I am not good enough in your eyes unless I were a guy or one of your sons. Sorry dad I was created a women not a man and that is something that I will never be. You could offer me tons of money for me to be one however I am just the way my true father in heaven created me and I am accepted by I just wish my real earthly father would accept me and love me as well. Though that I believe I will never see. I wish that I could understand why you hate me? You always have to talk lies on me and talk bad on me. My father in heaven who loves me and accepts me just as me. He would never talk lies on me or talk shit…..but ever since I was born you have never loved me right. He has since before I was born.  You have turned nothing but to your evil side since mom died I hope that your heart comes true again. For only then may you really ever see mom again. Mom would not like who you have become….I don’t like this road I now travel on. Help what if you die….what is left of me….but you won’t help me get help or help me get protected in agencies like she would’ve with me. Instead I am just forgotten and left for shame to all who are in your fame. Been pushed as a shunned of our family name is how you have made me. Only being my cart and taxi and not being a grandfather or father doing things with us as family’s would’ve in reality. Only caring about those who mean something to you or show vision you can see….not failures, females and  handicaps like me. That is all I am…a hindrance to you. A put down. A failure and a shamed burden on you. Well I am sorry that that OS what God chose for you. Though I am not sorry that this is how he made me. For as a women and a survivor this is who he made and everyday I grow stronger with each steps that I take. I just wish that you saw more meaning to me and had hope and believed. I can not force and make you see what things he wants to revel to you. Though I can stay strong and hope that soon in time what it is he wants you to see you will. Things were much easier with mom around. But I have never stressed on giving up hope. Instead I have prayed that only one day you will again see and follow his light.

Why do you always have to talk shit about me?  A father of his family does not talk shit about his family. Why do you hate me so Damn much. Things would be easier if you got up earlier so they stayed on schedule instead of talking bad to your gf and everyone else in your life turning me bad to them. We get up at 8 to 10 every day watch cartoons then with about a 45 min nap then back up at around 12 that is when you are just getting up for your day. If I could drive I could do it all on my own….but I am medically not able to do that. So instead we are gonna talk shit about me. Some father. Since mom died your evil has shown brighter and I have none and nothing left. Why couldn’t it have been you? Maybe I? But that would be asking too much…

With tears in my eyes I weld up and cry
Sitting up against the wall trying to hide from it all with be.
I always feel like everything is coming down around me
Where am I to go next I Sino.
With so many tears within and no way for them to run out
Not one soul helping me come thru the door I am now ready to cry. Feeling as if everyone has been coming out hard on me
tonight despite what I know within myself and my heart as true
They don’t live this life I do
Why do they think that they have rights to my life for today…
It is not their life but mine and all they enjoy doing is putting me down and making me cry
Why can’t they raise me up high lifting me up
Why must they always take hold of me and bring me down
I feel as if there is no one left in life not even in that of my very own family
I feel as if they are always tearing me down and talking bad about me but I can’t stand up to them and say you have something to say….tell me….
That was where all my long talks about my feelings came in with mom, but now that is gone with the wind just as she is with her favorite song
I can’t turn to my husband cause I have yet to be married in life
While I am slim on a friend even just to try to put hope in what we believe is right mom died and no I feel like they I was never wanted anymore as if I were nothing but an outcast inside. With everyone but myself inside as if my very own family were just pushing me aside

When life feels as if it has gotten too steep that we can not go on

We feel that we can climb on but not as high as the steep land terrane

When we feel like the weight of the earth is sitting upon our shoulders that we do not have anymore strength to carry anymore in life

when we feel as we are coming to our peak but then we stumble and fall and have no more energy or effort to stand again

these are the days that we just want to sit down forgetting our life and end up sitting down to cry

lifting out our hands to ask for help and reach to the heavens above

feeling like we can not go on

you release our stress of life making our burdens not so tight

you have lightened the weight till we regain what is manageable to our eyes

feeling a bit uplifted and rejuvenated and alive

you strengthen me and pull me back up

you give me the hope to continue on where I did not want to follow thru

you help pull me thru where I did not feel to be

you helped me to have the force to make the climb higher on where I felt that it was too steep

you picked me up from my stumbling feet giving me new shoes for me to have a firmer stand

you gave me a new spark in life that lead me on the path instead of walking away and giving up

Together now we have traveled this hard bumpy road never knowing the next wind or turn

keeping strong together is where we travel our best

following the road with a positive hope

looking forward to where it will lead and end

as we strive to make a forward leap of faith

continuing to make the climb back up in life

hand in hand knowing that we are secure

not looking for an easy replace

knowing that the sun will shine a brighter light tomorrow

that there is hope in a brand new day

I have been given a heart of light to try to help brighten people’s lives

you meeting me was no mistake

you just did as others would have and saw my light and followed to its brightest shine to see where it would lead

where others gave in to the darkness once again and turned away

you have remained and held on tight within my lighted paths

I will continue shining my heart of light upon your way

even through the days that you may walk away and refuse my light

keeping you within my own light to continually protect you as an angel friend would.

I have been given a heart of light to share with others if they would accept

a heart so pure full of gold shimmering light shining upon the path at your feet

my heart of light

you chose  your path I only helped you travel along its way

it wasn’t much

just some purity and love

mixed with a special ingredient creating a heart of light

 I have been given a heart of light

to shine on earth throughout the nights

helping others in desprate needs

facing mental, spiritual and physical difficulties

to be a friend and a lending hand

or even just a listening ear

by God’s great design I have been given a heart of light