Disappointing you know…. you come home from work and rush me to get the kids dressed for a last minute birthday party for Shayne’s little boy. After I had just gotten them ready to go into the pool, then you say get them dressed for a birthday. I get them dressed for the party as you say. We all walk a block down the road to show for this party, have the cup cakes and sing happy birthday as Shayne begins his sons party and then you rush me out just as you rush me there and we don’t even do a birthday party WTF was that? That is rude and I am not rude. What was the point of even showing ourselves there? For the embarrassment? Thanks but I really could have found some way to do that on my own. That is just sick is what that is.
Monthly Archives: August 2011
I lay restless in the weight of my stress. Living each day as I have all the rest. With my life a mountain of shamble. Stumbling I fall and feel that I just can not handle. Yet look at me now I am still standing strong coming over each hill that has come between me and my rest in the sun. You hold me up even when I feel myself fall and can not rest not even for my soul for even the best. You keep me strong even when i have given up and run. You keep me riding on a white horse each day riding in the sunset straight into your arms. I keep a smile on my face to help all my beauty and image shine even when I feel I have failed and need to wash my hands clean to free me of this horrible place. You my friend raise the roof for me and help me to grow seeing all reality. You make me free. As free as a bee. You hold me until I am fully complete. You are a true man who cares about me. You are my strength keeping me hanging on tight. Even when I have said I am done and all is through.
You take one last look at the situations ahead and change my mind changing my heart saying stay strong. Helping me to move forward and keep moving ahead. This I must proclaim! This is what I call a very true friend.
Okay so the night before this I had a scary dream that I awoke crying from and just can not seam to put past my mind. We all went somewhere unsure exactly where but as usual Dan just gets me there and than disappears.
So apperantly we were at a hotel or work out center and myself and the three kids were awaiting his return where we were apperantly swimming in a pool somewhere which I must say seems to in reality of day be your three favorite past times right now swimming. Well anyway I was swimming with you three and we were playing with a blow up raft or something, when this dream suddenly fade to grey and comes back to another scene. With many people around I should have been able to find out a how or why or even a what happened but that was not so. I look around in a panic seeing now in this dream that the three has dropped to just Brie and me…oh my gosh we are no longer three… where are the two babies? In a panic I begin to look when sudden commotion arise around yet across the pools side. Life guards all rushing to the side I look to glance to see what I could see there were the two missing babies together as if they had been trying to play both lifeless settled upon the floor of the pool I scream and begin to cry tests falling hard from out of my eyes frantic and swimming to both of their sides to pull you from the water myself,yet the Lifeguards holding me back. Me yelling I can get to them faster saving us time that we don’t have on our sides. Whispers being heard ….Oh lord save their sweet little innocent lives. Please lord don’t let the two children die. Help those guards regain their lives I pray. Three statements and phrases that I should not be hearing that day, however in the situation okay I should but not the way I wanted that day. The guards got you out and together two performing CPR on you there in front of me, rolling you two to the side in hopes of getting out some of the water. You both looking so pail and not moving one bit. I myself begin to pray and turn my eyes away hiding my face because I can not bear the sight yet still knowing that I still have one daughter I have to still protect and be strong for. Together we wait neither of us knowing how or what happened or even why they had not been with me…or had they and for a minute we had just lost sight. My dream would not and did not explain or show that. The other guards tools us two into the guard quarters so that we did not see what would conspire as no one at this point could be sure. One guard with tears in his or her eyes I still am not sure looks at me and asks may you answer some questions for me please. I replied quiet and yet still in shock yes. The guard asks who is here with you today? I replied myself and my three kids. Their father dropped us off and was with us when we first arrived however as usual has disappeared leaving my side and at this point I don’t even know if he is here or where exactly he is. Then the guard says could you please state for me your name and the names of your three children with you. Politely I do as asked tears rolling harder down my face as I begin feeling as I as a mother have failed my three. Then the guard looks at me and says you know I saw you and the kids come in here today and I thought you seemed familiar to me as a tear rolled down that guards face and they said now I know just why…. puzzled I glanced and said huh? As the guard then said you took me in and made my walk in life strong just when I needed it most Jen. Jen it’s Alex from about 15 yrs ago or so. I take this job serious and under my skin and right now this is even hurting me I will always pray for you and I wish you best of luck. With that the other guards come in carrying my two babies in and say here you go miss please come with us they are doing well but just to be sure we would like to get them checked at a local hospital. And handing the babies to me they prepare for the trip and that guard asks me one last thing Jen one last thing before you go on your way. What ages are the children? All three? Six,Five and the baby is three I say. With that the dream ends and I wake in tears and fear the entire day. Then I begin to think why did I not know what really happened to them, and who is Alice or Alex and it all came running back to me maybe it could be Alex hall who was a big inspiration in a time of need in my early life or could it be Alex …. never knew her last name who we inspired each other and she was one of my students that my mom and I had one year back when we taught VBS years back. I may never know when or why this name came to me nor if this dream is something real but I awoke crying and have not been able to shake it from my mind or sleep now.
Under water I watch you lay lifeless and alone, yet by inside you always are and never out of sight
Tonight it gives me fear and fright to even sleep thru the night
Eventhough I know that your alright it has set a fear from my sleep tonight
My day went by with it even still on my mind and still I tread myself in the simple thought of the dread
Making another sleepless night ahead I lay my head down and still ponder this fear and dread
Praying and hoping it was nothing more than a dream it still remains within my sight continuing to cause me vast fear and fright making me ponder it ever so more to try to see reality behind the thoughts of where, how, or why
But now I must try yet once more just to shuv it off and try to rest once more trying to slam closed that door
Each day I travel by that tree where you once lay sadly remembering the news that day
Remembering the shock and trying to come to sense with it within knowing that I would never see you again until myself were gone
Each day I travel past your tree this rush again floods over me
Thinking how much we all still miss you so seeing your pictures there on that tree
Each day that I travel there by you tree a sense of thinking of you once again overwhelming me thinking of if you had still Been here yet what would you be doing in life yet. However knowing that you are not and knowing that someday I shall see you again when I travel home to my own heavenly realm.
Each raucous travel by that tree I know your heart is still telling your story throughout this planet and land throughout application you family and your friends
Much of it alone coming from Kevin who loved you so and looked to his younger brother with all respect closest of all as his own best friend, one who was same will always be known as a true man
Still thought about and talked of in life today I still wonder what your life would have been today
Each day that I travel right by that tree where you died and shocked the world who knew you with a big surprise
You are surely missed bit your legacy lives on and I was proud to know you and call you my friend
Rest long friend I will see you again
Right now I stick to traveling each day by that tree where you lost your very life early that day.
With Kevin still keeping you alive since you died
A great brother,good friend, one you called your confidend
One true man he saw in you
All who knew you loving you still
To loose your life there at that tree how sad it is still
But hopes hold high that you are where you were called and once again shall we see you later once more at our end.
When you are caught in life where everything feels like all is going down, you look around and feel like you are just ready to skip town. You begin to cry and pray for relief for all self worth to feel stable under your feet.
Although there seems to see no end you hold onto your hopes of faith as tears roll from out of your eyes
I ask again what is it that I have done to deserve this pile of shallow heartache and pain.
Mend me Lord, take it all away. Shine my sun upon a brighter day.
When you feel there is no end you say to yourself. Look! Look again. Turn around you soon will win.
Life may not be so tough and rough if you just relax and stand tall and look once in a while. Look! Look again…look at life within It’s face you soon will win.
I know right now it feels really slow and slim, but on the time you soon will win.
A coming of a new dawn
When days of earth are soon done
Bringing forth a new day
Rising flowers dew away
The breezes singing to a wheeping willow
As shadows find the sun
Opening this new day with many surprises and creating a golden gate of fame from the chosen one
Where life brings in many surprises and fills the day with light
Then comes down the night
Silently in solitude to build this cycle again
Creating dark all around hiding the evils which lurk
And clearing the day of all its happenings that settle themselves in each nook and crany beneath and letting the night fall where silence takes the form of all and manifests noise again next day formed again